Seek Balance when Students Need Help
By Amy Barr with The Lukeion Project
Knowing that there is a line which should not be crossed is the first chore. When parents take a substantial role in “helping” by completing a student’s course work or reading all their assigned passages so they can summarize for them, the student will soon learn the benefit of pretending to be helpless at the same time they internalize the idea, “maybe I really can’t do any of this.” Very soon that same student will actually be helpless, no pretense required. High marks on those first quizzes will diminish as the foundations were never built, the basics never learned. If the student has been reduced to a mere observer, the line was crossed and obliterated.
A student who takes no real role in necessary problem solving, detail work, or research assigned for a class while having a parent do all the heavy lifting (mentally) is doomed. In especially egregious cases, the student internalizes helplessness, and never fully recovers even as an adult. A few skirmishes are won but the war utterly lost.
The pendulum might swing too far in the other direction for some families. Students really can benefit from a little support when getting started in the foreign territory of a tricky new class or, even in subjects that are comfortable in a subject, they need a little help working out a winning study regimen. Parents with a fully hands-off approach in every area may wish that their student had felt more comfortable asking for academic guidance in, say, college when it has long term implications.
The right balance between helping and hindering must change every year of a child’s education. What is appropriate in first grade is inappropriate in 6th grade and disastrous in 12th grade. If the student has any special struggles, the variables increase but the dangers remain the same. Handing out too much accommodation convinces a student that she will not ever be able to handle the tough stuff. Offering too few might be damaging as well. Add siblings to the mix and, well, you get the idea. Parenting is tricky.
As a lifelong teacher, I have seen trouble at both ends of the spectrum, but I have seen worse damage done by the overly “helpful” parent who does not step back enough when the time is right. When in doubt, less is more. Here are five suggestions to help you get a little closer to that balance each year of your student’s education.
1. Be Socratic
According to Plato, the ancient Athenian philosopher Socrates was best known for knowing nothing. In Socrates’ interactions with students, bystanders, and fellow philosophers, he would simply keep asking them questions. Instead of giving information and facts, somebody using the Socratic method asks students open-ended questions. This dialogue helps a student discover what she does or does not know or might only partly understand. When your child asks for help on academic work, do not give answers but do ask questions. The student is still responsible for the intellectual maturation needed to master a subject but can be guided through areas that need work past areas that are already understood. More importantly, once they have understood the way forward, they will not unnecessarily turn to you as a short cut. A Socratic parent guides, discusses, looks for trouble, but offers no shortcuts.
2. Do not Offer Easy Answers
So, the answer is clearly 12 or 1962 or laudant or any other easy-to-you response. Your child suspects she can shave 5 minutes off the homework session just by asking you for that fast answer. You might be tempted to give that fast answer because you need the dining table cleared up for dinner. Instead of a fast answer go slow. Return to my first suggestion and be Socratic. A student that really needs help will be guided toward a better direction this way. A student who is more motivated to finish quickly will not develop the expectation that the parent is there to do the work but will be there to offer a little guidance about how the student can find the answer.
3. Supply the Right Tools
When prepping for a new school year, do not forget essential time management and “executive function” supplies. Chief among such tools is an academic schedule/calendar. I recommend a paper version rather than a digital app. A phone or tablet already offers an abundant assortment of distractions, so it does not make sense to seek a remedy to being distracted on a distraction-device. A paper version should allow a student to see a whole week at a time as well as a whole month. The student needs to plot out a whole semester. Being good at time management starts with fully understanding what must be done, how much prep time is needed to get it done, and managing the amount of time allotted to the task.
Students must learn coping mechanisms to manage their own personal quirks such as being able to concentrate better at certain times of the day or managing any level of ADHD that might trouble them. No formal ADHD diagnosis? No worries! Almost everyone has “popcorn brain” and our collective attention span has shrunk down to the length of a TikTok video. Pushing out one’s attention span and focus into longer and longer periods takes time and intention.
Every successful day starts with a few minutes of reviewing what is coming up, how long a task requires, and what things need priority over others. Parents can help discuss the difference between tasks that require our best time of day by helping to sort through anything that is quickly accomplished. Any chore that can be knocked out in only a few minutes needs to be at top of the list. After that, pick the top three things that must be done that day and then take a do-or-die approach to all three.
After your student hits middle school years, 6th or 7th grade and up, they must have the primary role. Grab some Post-it notes or a whiteboard to help track priorities. Spending quality time getting (and staying) organized always saves time.
4. Check in not out
As our children mature, we must give them more academic autonomy. That is normal and healthy. Students must discover they can do challenging things without somebody stepping in to save them every time assignments become challenging. By the time a student is ready for the end of their high school years and the start of their college years, parents should function exclusively as an advisor not a manager. This does not mean you need to check out. Be Socratic even in this area by being genuinely interested in what is going on in classes. We always accomplished this at the dinner table with discussions about a project they have been working on, that big exam that was last week, or the long research paper that needs more research. You do not need a full inquisition but just check in.
5. Celebrate wins
Finding the right balance between doing too much and too little for our children as they mature into adults is tricky. Your child will not feel especially great about a top score if they did little of the work themselves. On the other hand, offering just the right amount of support without crossing that line gives the gift of true victory and confidence in personal academic success. When that happens, celebrate. Sometimes that is just a pat on the shoulder to acknowledge your pride in their success. Let your student overhear your pleasure and confidence in their abilities, sure, but especially their tenacity and their hard work.
Getting organized and staying there is not easy even for adults. Everyone prefers to do enjoyable tasks first leaving less pleasant things for last, rather than prioritizing. Run through several techniques that will help your student stay organized but also produce ways to reward getting the tough stuff done. For my youngest son, a reward was getting to spend twenty extra minutes playing the piano. For my oldest, that meant she got to do something creative in her sketch book. My middle son would climb the tallest mountain if it means he got to spend a little extra time on a game he enjoyed. Rewards can simply be the liberty to do what a student already loves.
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